08 March 2011

H. P. Lovecraft as a Substitute Teacher

An account of H. P. Lovecraft's first day as a substitute teacher at Arkham Junior High School:

Greetings, students, and beware, for you are about to embark on a journey of eldritch erudition, mind-bending mathematics, and scholarship from beyond the pale. First, let me inform you that Mrs. Figgins will not be with us today. The maddening transformation of pallor and physique that culminated in her maternity leave hath subsumed her person wholly and completely. Second, let me also inform you that your usual substitute arithmetic teacher, Mr. McAuliffe will not be with us either. Two days ago, the police, who broke down Mr. McAuliffe's door after complaints from the neighbors of bloodcurdling screams during the night, found a notebook on his kitchen table that seemed to indicate that he had worked out pi to the last place. McAuliffe was nowhere to be found, but the distinct odor of sulfur and the neatly piled stacks of clean, dried animal bones in the corner gave them pause. That, and they found two cats in the microwave, only one of which was partially devoured.

As for me, my name is Mr. Lovecraft...

Read the whole thing here.


  1. Oh yeah, thanks to Chris Robichaud for the link!

  2. Hilarious, on to FB I do go.

  3. Amazing. I should give an introduction like that when my new students come in April :P Great stuff.


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I'm a Canadian political philosopher who divides his time between Milwaukee and Toronto.